Photo by Anna Kolosyuk on Unsplash
In our previous article about the self-love myth, we insisted that self-love isn’t necessarily the best way to conceptualize the road to better mental health and wellness. That’s because being in a constant state of loving oneself completely may not be a reasonable goal, especially for those who struggle with emotional regulation and those with a poor and unstable sense of self resulting from years of unmet needs and adverse childhood experiences that affected their socio-emotional development [1].
Even for those who got through their childhoods and adolescence relatively unscathed, self-love can still be challenging, since we live in an era in which there is pressure to meet a number of idealistic goals. Such pressure results in a culture of always doing and chasing at something, and we become anxious about whether we’ll ever ‘make it’, equating the things we accomplish to who we are. Mistaking the work we do as our self-worth in turn leads to a sense of helplessness, worthlessness, and low self-esteem [2].
Another thing that makes self-love hard is that when we face challenges that don’t have a quick fix (due to their nature of mostly being outside our control), instead of trying to understand (with love) what underlies our dissatisfaction and what can still be done, our first instinct might be to blame ourselves for the dissatisfaction we feel i.e. if only I were; if only I could, especially for those with a history of having been bullied [3]. Moreover, just by watching the news, we develop a sense that we live in pretty uncertain times both politically and economically— anxiety therefore being more likely to take center stage in our minds as compared to a state of calm, confidence, and self-love [4].
Nonetheless, all the above doesn’t translate into the fact that practicing self-love is useless. In fact, just trying to get in touch with the part of ourselves that wants the best for ourselves has its benefits…and “just because it don’t come easily, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try”, sang Bruno Major in his song Easily. The same goes for self-love: self-love may be difficult to do, but trying to cultivate it benefits us still, even for those with a mental health diagnosis [5]. That’s because self-love encourages us to see ourselves completely, accept ourselves as we are, and to honor our individuality: by getting us to recognize and value our strengths, weaknesses, victories, and challenges while simultaneously asking us to strive for personal growth, self-love contributes to our psychological well-being because it’s essentially centered around prioritizing oneself— and we need to prioritize ourselves for the sake of our mental wellness (yet another way to prioritize ourselves is to seek help when we need it such as by attending psychotherapy).
Indeed, self-love—the “active practice of accepting, caring for, and encouraging oneself” [5]— is a good thing, and it’s time to cultivate it by practicing it intentionally. Let the following self-love tips guide you:
In her book, Dr. Shainna Ali makes it clear that self-care is actually a component of self-love. Without self-care, self-love cannot exist. So pay attention to what you eat, get sufficient rest, and exercise, remembering too that exercise is a celebration of what the body can do, not a punishment for what you ate (though there’s more to self-care than just physical self-care: there’s emotional, social, spiritual, personal, financial, work, home environment) [6]. By taking steps to meet our personal needs and actively care for our wellness, we make ourselves more and more resilient even before a challenge pops up to test us, ready to tackle them with a compassionate mind and a loving headspace. Indeed, talking to and about ourselves with love is also a good place to start practicing self-love [7]. For example, do you speak to yourself in a critical voice when something doesn’t go your way and put yourself down often (it might also help to notice when you tend to do so most)?
Even if you tend to be really busy, it’s important for you to schedule in time to do things you find relaxing because you’re only human, and humans need time away from things that are demanding to the mind and body so that energy can be restored— not just for the sake of productivity in the long run, but also for the sake of protecting you from depression and burnout, which can lead to job dissatisfaction too [8]. On a slightly different but related note, a digital detox may be what you need too: go phone-free for a few hours or a day and do other things instead, like eating more mindfully, reflecting in your journal, engaging in hobbies, or enjoying deep conversations with someone.
In our article A Guide to Emotions: Basic Questions Answered, we discussed how embracing, being aware of, understanding, and managing our emotions is key to better mental health. Until you befriend your emotions, loving yourself will be a struggle because by ignoring emotions, you ignore the process of learning about what makes you uniquely you and what matters to you— these information are priceless as they help you appreciate yourself more and give you a sense of purpose and motivation to thrive. When you give yourself the chance to thrive (which takes what Brené Brown calls vulnerability and courage)— now that’s what we call an act of self-love.
As you reflect, notice the thoughts you tend to have and what they’re about, how they make you feel, and the overall energy they present in your body. Are they self-defeating thoughts that bring you down; hold you to a certain standard? Do they result in feelings of disappointment, insecurity, shame and loneliness? What kinds of situations, people, or ideas are likely to trigger you into having such thoughts? Which thoughts result in the most intense difficult emotions? Where in your body do you feel those emotions? What can you do to ease those emotions in your body, that’s uniquely calming and soothing to you? As you answer these questions, you’re getting in touch with what you think, feel, and need, thereby opening yourself up to become honest with yourself about what you go through internally. When we’re honest and authentic, we show up for others and let ourselves be seen unapologetically, and doing so is just as important for self-love as accepting difficult emotions is [9].
Mindfulness just means that from one moment to another, you’re always trying to be aware of your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and surrounding environment in the least judgmental way possible, being a curious observer to what’s inside and outside you in the present [10]. You can practice mindfulness anywhere because it simply involves the act of paying attention to the current moment, whether you’re engaged in a yoga activity, cooking, walking to the shop, eating, listening to music, talking to a friend, praying, or showering. Though mindfulness boasts a lot of benefits including stress reduction, better focus, and increased relationship satisfaction [11], what exactly does mindfulness have to do with self-love? Research shows that practicing mindfulness makes self-love easier as it forces us to become more aware of the thoughts and feelings that lead to the opposite of self-love [12], subsequently getting us to acknowledge that we have them, that we don’t have to hold on to them, and that we can instead choose to pause, breathe, and hold on to thoughts that bring about self-love. One easy way to use mindfulness to increase self-love is to practice the loving-kindness meditation [13]: you can repeat the loving-kindness affirmation to yourself: “May I be safe, peaceful, and free of suffering. May I be happy. May I be healthy [14]”.
There’s a reason why talking to a therapist helps. At the most basic level, feeling like somebody cares about what’s going on in our lives and minds teaches us to believe that we matter and that we are worthy of love. But don’t just limit self-expression to your therapist or to a friend: What else can you do to feel heard and seen for all that you are and all that you’ve been through? You could write poems, letters (just to yourself works too), talk into a recorder, perform prayers, and even dance and draw. Some may express themselves to their pet.
Whatever it is that you’re going through right now and feeling, don’t ever stop being curious about yourself and others (if you want to feel more love for others too). The point is to ask questions that can lead you towards more self-understanding because from there, self-love will follow. Malay people have a saying ‘tak kenal maka tak cinta’, which implies that we can only love something when we get to know it. You are a unique human being in possession of many depths and worthy of your own curiosity and tolerance; so get to know yourself— your habits, desires, triggers, interests, values, and essential needs in order to thrive.
Self-love may not be the most natural thing for humans to do— especially for some more than others— yet it does come with only advantages to our mental wellness and psychological well-being when we give it a try. Really, what’s most important is that we just give it a try, doing so so that we may live with more ease and peace in our hearts.
Resources:
[1] https://www.cde.ca.gov/sp/cd/re/itf09socemodev.asp (California Department of Education, 2021)
[2] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-fear-of-failure-5176202
[3] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6129379/
[4] https://hbr.org/2020/05/leading-through-anxiety
[5] The Self-Love Workbook: A Life-Changing Guide to Boost Self-Esteem, Recognize Your Worth and Find Genuine Happiness, Shainna Ali
[6] https://www.willowstone.org/news/8-types-of-self-care
[7] https://www.bbrfoundation.org/blog/self-love-and-what-it-means
[8] https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/01/break
[9] https://mindspo.com/2020/08/10/brene-browns-top-10-rules-for-self-love/
[10] https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition
[11] https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner
[12] https://www.headspace.com/mindfulness/self-love
[13] https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/loving_kindness_meditation
[14] https://www.healthline.com/health/metta-meditation
Written by :
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia
5 Reasons to Normalize Reaching Out When We’re in (Emotional) Pain 
Photo by Shoeib Abolhassani on Unsplash
Despite efforts by several local organizations to uphold the legitimacy of mental health, it’s hard to say for sure if we can already call our society one that has done enough to protect and care for the psychological well-being of its people, as testified not just by the ways everyday people like you and me jokingly talk about emotions and in the ways we talk about who (psycho)therapy is for, but by the number of suicide cases that peaked especially during the global COVID-19 pandemic [1] and the general cluelessness of the public when it comes to knowing what to do to make things better for themselves or others who seem to require a professional assessment of their mental health status, even when the alarming truth is that 1 in 3 Malaysians experience mental health struggles [2].
With more and more Malaysians now reaching out for help in the form of crisis calls [3], you’d think that the work of destigmatizing our inborn right to thrive would be over. You’d think that the concept of mental well-being would by now receive the serious attention it deserves. You’d think that more Malaysians would know by now that they can also see counselors and clinical psychologists, not just psychiatrists at hospitals. Indeed, the increase in number of crisis calls reflect a dire need for some kind of solution to the emotional pain, stress, anxiety, and depression Malaysians face silently (after all, a lot has to have happened in order for things to worsen into the crisis stage of things). Right now, we are in need of a collective awakening that recognizes the importance of mental health.
Being in line with what Malaysians need, at Drona Wellness, we believe in mental health as the solution. Pick whichever terminology you will: emotional wellness, mental well-being, psychological well-being, mental stability— but the truth is that until we embrace mental health as part of our basic wellness, we will remain in a state of cluelessness the moment things happen to us, wondering what’s wrong with ourselves and our lives (or for some, what’s wrong with other people), ultimately lacking the opportunity to turn suffering into growth, without all the helpful concepts and tools that would only be within reach when we honor our collective mental health.
In other words, some of the costs of not normalizing reaching out when we’re in emotional pain is that we remain in a state of confusion, hopelessness, frustration, helplessness, and stagnation that only further intensifies any feelings of low self-esteem and isolation [4, 5]. The following are three more reasons to normalize reaching out:
All humans evolved to experience emotions, and emotions give us information about what we’re thinking and needing [6]. Unfortunately, due to emotional neglect and invalidation, many of us have learned to ignore what we’re feeling inside, thereby losing the wonderful opportunity of being able to understand what we need in order to thrive, what may be missing in our lives, what we believe in, what we want, what we are trying to move towards, what makes us us, and even what others need from us [7, 8].
The fact of the matter is that such insightful information goes to waste every time a person in emotional distress hesitates to reach out just because they think doing so is not the norm: Not only does their suffering worsen— they also lose the chance to learn and benefit from their emotions, ultimately losing themselves to their repressed emotions.
When emotional distress isn’t being attended to or dealt with due to stigma, it becomes difficult for us to engage with and respond to other people’s emotions, our emotional detachment essentially ruining our relationships in the long run [9]. The more detached we are from our own uncomfortable emotions, the more emotionally unavailable we become and the less affection we express to others [10].
As a result, we end up letting our pain stop us from being warm and generous with others, even if we never intended to come off as cold and rejecting in the first place. In other words, by not normalizing mental health services such as therapy, we end up letting our pain affect our relationships with others.
Finally, when our emotional pain in response to any life stressor exceeds our ability to cope, we will struggle to do what we’re meant to do in life, such as going to work and enjoying the company of family and friends (unless we normalize getting help, of course). Moreover, when this happens to more and more people, entire communities stop thriving, be it socially or economically.
On a related note, that’s the reason why work-life balance is essential— it ensures we take the time to care for ourselves, which will help us be more resilient in the face of everyday stress.
Takeaway
For now, it would help for us Malaysians to focus on reaching out to as many people as we can to convince them that emotional pain can be a normal part of the human experience— that all that matters is that one gets help— but the catch is that in order to get help, one must reach out. However, people refrain from reaching out for help when they feel afraid and ashamed to. In addition, people need information… ignorance isn’t always bliss!
In this case, the cost of ignoring the reality of the importance of mental health and wellness is chronic, long-term emotional distress that not only affects our self-esteem, relationships, and productivity, but determines our quality of life and our risk factor for developing a mental health disorder.
To reach out, visit any nearby clinics (klinik kesihatan) and obtain a referral to a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, or counselor at a hospital. Alternatively, you can book a session with a mental health professional.
In addition, consider joining our community of mental health responders and advocates. Not only will you gain confidence in talking about mental health— you’ll also learn how to approach and support someone showing signs of poor mental health, know where to get help & support, implement strategies to maintain your own mental health, and receive practical tips that you can use and pass on to friends, family, colleagues, and team mates. If you’d like someone to give a talk to help improve the personal development of the people at your organization, keynote speaking to normalize help-seeking behavior is also available.
Resources:
[2] https://www.moh.gov.my/moh/modules_resources/english/database_stores/96/337_451.pdf
[3] https://www.thestar.com.my/news/focus/2022/05/22/time-will-heal-us-all
[4] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1489832/
[6] Coping With Trauma: Hope Through Understanding, Dr. Jon G Allen (book)
[8] https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/emotional-detachment.html
[9] https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/emotional-detachment
[10] Gunther, R. (2020, December 31). The Danger of Emotional Detachment. Psychology Today.
Written by :
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia
On Gratitude: The Benefits and Challenges of Feeling Thankful + How to Practice Giving Thanks
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash
Giving thanks is a universal phenomenon across world religions and cultures. Just as Americans still celebrate their yearly Thanksgiving, the Sanskrit term Dhanyavāda in Hinduism denotes an expression of thanks often used in meditation or prayer [1], and Muslims believe that god rewards those who serve with gratitude (verse 3:145 of the Quran), not to mention the celebration of the annual Eid al-Adha as a way to both show one’s devotion and appreciation towards god’s blessings. In Hebrew, the word for gratitude is hakarat ha’tov, which literally translates to recognizing the good in one’s life [2].
It’s certainly wonderful that our ancestors understood and cultivated gratitude as part of their lives long before today’s scientists and psychologists began studying gratitude in relation to psychological well-being— this in itself hints at the host of advantages gratitude already bestowed upon those before us. With the advent of psychology and psychotherapy, research now affirms that there is indeed a strong positive association between gratitude and life outcomes such as physical health, relationships, life satisfaction, and subjective well-being [3].
Other benefits of cultivating a sense of gratitude include having a stronger immune system and lower blood pressure (both considered physical benefits), more joy, pleasure, optimism and higher levels of positive emotions (psychological benefits), and a tendency towards prosocial behaviors such as behaving in more compassionate, helpful, forgiving, and generous ways towards others (social benefits), not to mention a shield against burnout [4]. In addition, gratitude itself is a positive emotion whose presence not only naturally keeps away difficult emotions such as envy and resentment, but gives us a kind of perspective that makes us more resilient, confident and feel less lonely in the face of stress [5]. *For more on emotions, check out our guide to emotions.
But what does it really mean to be grateful? For that, we have to turn to the definition of gratitude according to those who study it:
Gratitude is simply defined as the act of taking note that there is in fact good in our lives and simultaneously acknowledging one by one what exactly is good (what exactly we are thankful for), followed by finding an explicit way to communicate such thanks— for instance, by expressing it externally to someone (either in a letter, through text, or face to face) or to god during prayer [6]. The latter is an important component of the definition of gratitude because it reminds us that we are very much dependent on and connected to both others and the circumstances the universe presents to us (think about the person who gave you that opportunity and about how your life would be different without your close friends’ presence).
Truly, gratitude is about realizing how we owe a lot of the things we might be taking for granted to factors outside of ourselves. That being said, gratitude can be a little bit challenging for human beings to practice for a few reasons. Firstly, gratitude demands that we focus on our life as it is and not as we want it to be, which is difficult as human beings tend to fixate on what is lacking, perhaps so that improvements can be made… in other words, total acceptance is necessary for gratitude. Secondly, gratitude asks us to acknowledge what others do or have done for us once we have acknowledged the good things in our lives (review the definition of gratitude in the previous paragraph)… in short, it’s not because we’re so great that we are where we are. Rather, it’s because of those blessings that have come our way whether we really deserve them or not.
Lastly, for those with adverse childhood experiences such as those with a history of complex trauma involving prolonged interpersonal abuse and emotional neglect and invalidation, gratitude might not always make much sense because taking note of, feeling, and expressing thanks could sometimes feel like they are putting into question and discounting what has happened to them in the past, ridiculing the pain of their inner wounded-child so to speak [7].
*If you’d like to reap the benefits of practicing gratitude but struggle practicing it due to difficult past experiences that affect your ability to regulate your emotions and feel safe in your body and mind, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional through psychotherapy first.
Consequently, cultivating a sense of gratitude cannot be the only solution to emotional pain that stems from traumatic experiences, as such experiences require healing processes such as the integration of the self (part of which involves fully facing the reality of past events that affected one’s sense of self) [8] and the active learning and usage of coping and emotional regulation skills, including relaxation skills such as breathing and grounding to calm a dysregulated nervous system. Similarly, gratitude shouldn’t be used to distract us from actual threats and warnings we should take heed of.
Nevertheless, gratitude can still enhance everybody’s lives as it encourages us to pay attention to what is going well— and everybody could use a breather once in a while.
At this point, you might be wondering how you can practice gratitude in order to actually reap the benefits of feeling thankful. Don’t be surprised, as it’s almost too simple to be shared: just do anything that involves the act of you acknowledging your blessings, preferably both to yourself and relevant others: this could involve scheduling a time to sit down and reflect on (on paper or in your head) what you’re grateful for, keeping a gratitude journal, writing to someone to thank them, thanking someone mentally by simply taking note of what they’ve done for you, adding gratitude to your meditation routine by placing your non-judgmental awareness and focus on things you’re grateful for in the present moment (a sense of peace, freedom, the breeze from the fan across your face, being able to breathe well, being alive!), or using prayer to acknowledge and communicate your thanks.
In a nutshell
Without a doubt, gratitude is a prosocial emotion that boosts our moods by forcing us to humbly realize the ways in which we benefit from entities outside of ourselves, whether that’s other people, god, or other unknown forces, which makes for not only less lonely but more optimistic, happier, physically healthier, and more compassionate and satisfied human beings [9].
Before you go, if you’d like emotional support, personal guidance for self-discovery, and motivation to tackle issues that may be holding you back, open yourself up to one of our many well-received programs!
Resources
[1] https://www.wisdomlib.org/definition/dhanyavada
[2] https://firmisrael.org/learn/hebrew-word-for-gratitude/
[3] https://news.iu.edu/stories/2020/02/iub/inside/18-joel-wong-tips-for-cultivating-gratitude.html
[4] Chan, D. W. (2011). Burnout and life satisfaction: Does gratitude intervention make a difference among Chinese school teachers in Hong Kong? Educational Psychology, 31(7), 809–823. https://doi.org/10.1080/01443410.2011.608525
[5]https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good
[7] https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/11/22/gratitude-and-the-trauma-sensitive-approach/
[8] https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/complex-trauma
[9] https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/GGSC-JTF_White_Paper-Gratitude-FINAL.pdf
Written by :
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia
A Guide to Emotions: Basic Questions Answered
Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash
Written by Iffah Suraya
What is always there with us but remains all too invisible? What do many of us try to suppress, and are typically afraid to let show? What lies behind every good song?
If you ask the singer Morris Albert, he’ll say, “feelings”, and that would be the correct guess!
Why do feelings matter? What’s the difference between feelings and emotions? What do emotions and stress have in common?
How do learning about our emotions help us? What do we do once we have identified what we’re feeling?
In this article, you’ll hear a thing or two about feelings and emotions, and what to do with them— exploring their true roles in your life so that you can use them to guide you instead of suppressing them and letting them slowly destroy you, your everyday life and interactions with other people.
So how do feelings and emotions differ from each other?
Emotions come first: they are what our bodies immediately sense in response to something around us [1]. In other words, emotions refer to the powerful physical sensations that accompany what we feel in our minds, whose job is to naturally drive us to adapt to whatever situation we find ourselves in. On the other hand, feelings are simply our conscious interpretation of what is going on inside of us at any given moment, which makes feelings more of a mental sensation than a physical one. Feelings are the conscious experience of our emotional states.
Whilst emotions are biological, feelings —which are personalized based on our unique past experiences and temperaments— are what happen when we’ve already tried to make sense of what’s going on in our bodies whenever something happens, whether that’s a external real-life situation or an internal one such as thoughts, or memories and images of real or imagined situations. Unfortunately, it has become quite common to use both terms interchangeably. Moods, in turn, are more enduring patterns of emotions and feelings that make us more likely to feel one way or the other, e.g. cheerful, anxious, irritable, or depressed.
To put it even simpler, when we try to pinpoint what may be going on inside ourselves (keyword: emotions!), we’re talking about our feelings, but emotions deeply reflect the full spectrum of our feelings and associated sensations that we almost always have even if we say we’re not feeling anything.
Did you know that we can feel something yet not be aware of ourselves experiencing that emotion?
Dr. Jon Allen, author of Coping With Trauma: Hope Through Understanding, said this about emotions: “we may not always feel them, although others may be affected by them”. Indeed, there are times when we do not realize that we’re angry yet to those around us, we look or sound a little scary. Or there are times we’re actually feeling quite lonely (or bored) but don’t realize it perhaps because we’re so used to being distracted or occupied with something. Or, perhaps we don’t realize we’re feeling scared because we’ve been told many times that it’s not okay for us to feel that way and instead our fear manifests as self-doubt.
But believe it or not, whether we are conscious or unconscious of our feelings and emotions, they exist— and will have an effect on our actions, the way we think about ourselves, situations, and others, and our physical health (emotional regulation mediates the relationship between adverse childhood experiences and physical and mental health) [3] .
On that note, here’s an example of how emotions trigger thoughts: if I feel nervous and I sense my insides pull away from everyone during a group meeting I might start to have thoughts such as ‘I don’t belong here’ or ‘these people don’t want me here’. Moving right along, the international behavior expert Mavis Mazhura wrote that emotions can get in the way or get you on the way…
That is, emotions have the power to dominate the direction of our everyday lives, helping us to continue moving towards our goals OR ruin us by pushing us towards self-sabotaging behaviors such as denying, suppressing or ignoring (blocking out) feelings and blaming ourselves or others during conflicts— which may lead to further misguided efforts at helping ourselves feel better, such as distancing ourselves (isolating) from others for too long, constant stimulation (from work or social media or even “friends”), consuming substances inappropriately (numbing) and more that eventually worsen our relationships with others and our well-being.
Now let’s go back to the example in the previous paragraphs about feeling nervous during a group meeting. The nervousness one feels can lead down different paths depending on what one does with that nervousness: if you suppress the nervousness, without realizing it you may come off as uninterested to your fellow group members which may trigger their disapproval. If you let yourself be entirely consumed by the nervousness without trying to understand it, you may frantically excuse yourself too soon and miss out on ideas discussed between group members during that meeting.
Quite often, the middle path is deemed ideal: whereby you welcome feeling nervous, get curious about what it means that you’re nervous, and decide on what to do to feel less nervous (which usually involves changing your thinking too).
Truly, it’s quite easy to engage in maladaptive coping because many of us may not have developed the capacity to tolerate the full range of emotions (many of which can feel uncomfortably painful) humans are supposed to experience. And when we don’t know what to make of our emotions, they will for sure determine our behaviors without us having any say in it. What we should remind ourselves here is that typically, emotions serve to protect us by pushing us to naturally act in ways that ensure we survive and thrive, such as when we retreat out of fear, stand up for ourselves in anger when we are being oppressed, or reject something out of disgust to keep that thing away from us.
Even being sad serves a function— it makes us take a break to focus on recuperating and reassessing what we need to feel better and pulls people to comfort us, soothing that feeling itself. Certainly, emotions are purposeful, whether we’re talking about pleasant or unpleasant emotions, and we should count ourselves as blessed to be creatures of emotion.
In addition to being directive and purposeful, emotions give us information about what is important to us, what we want, and what we should prioritize, therefore aiding us in making decisions such as what to do for a living, what kind of work environments we’d prefer, and the types of activities and people we prefer to engage in and with.
Emotional regulation refers to the act of doing whatever it takes to make sense of our emotional experience and to ease that experience [4], which includes making sense of the thoughts that trigger our emotions and the thoughts that result from the emotions we have, along with other aspects of our experience such as our impulses, sensations, desires, needs, and deeply-rooted beliefs.
So how can we regulate our emotions? Start by taking ownership of our emotions, trying to make sense of them, understand them, and— soothe/ ease/ moderate them— which can come in the following forms:
Making space for those emotions, reconstructing the thoughts that underlie those emotions, easing the sensations that are a part of those emotions (such as by engaging in deep breathing or grounding), meeting our unmet needs that may have triggered the emotion(s), challenging deeply-rooted beliefs that maintain those emotions, or doing something to improve the situation that triggered the emotion in the first place.
Remember too that the idea behind emotional regulation is to be responsible for the existence of our emotions, not only embracing all of our emotions but using them to understand ourselves and others (the latter is known as empathy)— all of which takes learning and practice. And instead of using words like manage, overcome, or control, regulate may be a more suitable word when talking about how to navigate emotions because we might mistakenly think that emotions can be controlled and pushed away—when the truth is they have to be accepted and then used as information to guide our lives and interactions with others.
To test your understanding of what emotional regulation is, why not try to imagine what it would look like to be emotionally DYS-regulated (which is what happens when we do not regulate our emotions)?
Emotional intelligence, otherwise known as EQ, is our ability to regulate our emotions so that they get expressed appropriately [5], which involves the capacity to be aware of (noticing/ recognizing/ realizing) what we’re feeling, understand what our emotions mean, and use them to the benefit of ourselves and others, or as Psych Central defines it, the ability to understand ourselves emotionally.
Another definition of emotional intelligence proposed by neuroscientist and best-selling author Robert Cooper is that it is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of human energy, information, connection, and influence [6].
Yet another definition of EQ by psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer, creators of the Mayer-Salovey-Caruso EQ Test, is that emotional intelligence is the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.
Those who are good at emotional regulation have high emotional intelligence, in which both emotional regulation (a skill) and emotional intelligence (an ability) make their lives and relationships with people more fulfilling because they are able to understand, negotiate with, and work alongside others and deal with conflicts and changes effectively.
Did you know that according to Daniel Goleman, the psychologist who coined the term emotional intelligence, EQ consists of the following five key components: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills! (which he outlined in his book “Emotional Intelligence, Why It Can Matter More Than IQ”).
What is the link between emotions and stress? For starters, some emotions are more stressful to experience than others, typically difficult emotions such as anxiety (worry), fear, frustration, sadness, loneliness, anger, and shame, most especially when we are left without any sources of comfort or ideas on how to work around these emotions [7]. When we don’t try to or don’t know how to engage in emotional regulation, we are predisposing ourselves to a perpetual state of distress, which can lead to chronic stress if prolonged, affecting our mental and physical health.
Stress is a physiological response; a state of being; a process that goes on in the body and mind that pushes us to retreat or attack; flee or fight, and in some cases, remain stuck, frozen, and helpless [8]. Know this: What we do with our emotions— especially in critical moments when we’re triggered— will determine whether our stress increases or decreases. For example, if we give our partner the cold shoulder when we’re frustrated and overwhelmed with work, they might react with annoyance, which might in turn cause us to feel rejected and hence we withdraw, feeling lonely, which can be stressful.
Similarly, if they react with disappointment, we may later feel intense guilt. Either way, if we had paused to take note of our frustration in response to our demanding work in the first place, we might have been able to find out what we can do to help ourselves feel less frustrated, which will inevitably reduce our stress levels (and spare our intimate relationship from being threatened, in this case).
Indeed, according to the Dalai Lama and Dr. Paul Ekman, a good way to manage stress is to learn about emotions and to recognize and accept emotions, allowing yourself to be “aware” of what you feel [9], reminding yourself that you have feelings, which aren’t good or bad and simply serve a function. The function being to tell you about what you need to survive and thrive and what is important to you at the moment.
Dr. Gabor Mate, author of When the Body Says No, agrees: if we do not identify and understand our emotions, we eventually become helpless and remain stressed over time (see Chapter 3 of his book).
Although they can feel overwhelming and seem irrational, emotions are almost always useful. So what can we do with them when we feel them in our minds and bodies? Start by acknowledging the existence of our emotions with an attitude of being openly curious about what they are signaling, and if we have to, proceed to tame them (reducing their intensity) with the practice of coping strategies such as doing deep breathing in a mindfulness-inspired manner and such as *reframing our thoughts to become more helpful, reassuring, and self-enhancing — knowing too that labeling what we’re feeling — being aware of— our emotions is a coping strategy in itself; the very first.
*If you can, try to sense the thoughts that accompany your feelings and reflect on your thoughts: how accurate and evidence-based are they? How could your thoughts reflect reality more accurately? What specific things, situations, and behaviors of others seem to precipitate your feelings? These are your emotional triggers, sometimes called stressors.
Whether we like it or not, emotions, as complex as they may seem, are here to stay. They’re an in-built part of our physiology, a response to threat (real or imagined; internal or external; past or present), in addition to being informative, purposeful, and also universal and social. Without the guidance of our emotions, we wouldn’t intuitively know what mattered to us and what to give our attention to, which would make it hard for us to make important decisions.
Besides, without an acknowledgment of and understanding of our emotions and the emotions of others, we wouldn’t be able to form and maintain attachments because we would lack emotional responsiveness. Furthermore, emotional regulation, emotional intelligence, and knowing how emotions are tied to stress are all essential to both relationship satisfaction and emotional well-being. Let’s give ourselves a chance to live with more ease and fulfillment with the guidance of emotions.
Allow me to end with the quote below:
‘When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves’ (Jess C. Scott).
To learn how to use the feelings wheel to develop emotional literacy, watch this video by Joshua Freedman. Alternatively, exploring the Atlas of Emotions developed by Dr. Paul Ekman and the Dalai Lama can improve your emotional competence too.
Most of all, if you’d like to proactively increase your emotional literacy and boost your emotional competence, schedule a session with us. In case you’re still wondering what therapy’s for and need a little more information, read our article on psychotherapy: why it matters, what it’s really about, and what it can do for you. If you’re an Instagram user, check out Drona Wellness on Instagram and while you’re at it, follow us too. To include the benefits of gratitude in your life today, check this out.
Resources
[1] Freedman, Joshua. CEO at Six Seconds. (2022, August 26). Emotion, feeling, mood: What’s the difference? Six Seconds. Retrieved September 8, 2022, from https://www.6seconds.org/2017/05/15/emotion-feeling-mood/
[2] Allen, J. G. (2008). Coping with trauma: Hope through understanding. American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc.
[3] Cloitre, M., Khan, C., Mackintosh, M. A., Garvert, D. W., Henn-Haase, C. M., Falvey, E. C., & Saito, J. (2019). Emotion regulation mediates the relationship between ACES and physical and mental health. Psychological trauma : theory, research, practice and policy, 11(1), 82–89. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0000374
[4] Lebow, H. I. (2022, April 12). Emotion Management Strategies: 6 methods to try. Psych Central. Retrieved September 8, 2022, from https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-manage-your-emotions#what-is-self-regulation
[5] Cassata, C. (2021, September 27). The benefits of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) at work. Psych Central. Retrieved September 8, 2022, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-benefits-of-emotional-intelligence
[6] Tredgold, G. (2016, August 4). 55 inspiring quotes that show the importance of emotional intelligence. Inc.com. Retrieved September 8, 2022, from https://www.inc.com/gordon-tredgold/55-inspiring-quotes-that-show-the-importance-of-emotional-intelligence.html
[7] Emotional stress: Warning signs, management, when to get help. Cleveland Clinic. (n.d.). Retrieved September 8, 2022, from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/6406-emotional-stress-warning-signs-management-when-to-get-help#:~:text=Worry%2C%20fear%2C%20anger%2C%20sadness,this%20stress%20has%20become%20unhealthy
[8] Elizabeth Scott, P. D. (2022, August 8). How is stress affecting my health? Verywell Mind. Retrieved September 8, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/stress-and-health-3145086
[9] Design, S. (n.d.). The ekmans’ atlas of emotion. The Ekmans’ Atlas of Emotions. Retrieved September 8, 2022, from http://atlasofemotions.org/
[10] Six SecondsSix Seconds supports people to create positive change – everywhere… all the time. Founded in 1997. (2022, July 22). Plutchik’s wheel of emotions: Feelings wheel. Six Seconds. Retrieved September 8, 2022, from https://www.6seconds.org/2022/03/13/plutchik-wheel-emotions/
[11] https://modeststar.medium.com/books-to-read-throughout-your-mental-health-journey-c87808ff5eff
[12] Cherland E. (2004). The Development of Emotional Competence. The Canadian child and adolescent psychiatry review, 13(4), 121.
[13] (SBCS), S. B. C. S. (2022, July 18). The 7 A’s of healing. Space Between Counseling Services. Retrieved September 8, 2022, from https://www.spacebetweencounselingservices.com/new-blog/the7as
Written by :
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia