Written by :
Iffah Suraya
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia
Written by Dr. Subashini
Anxiety is a mental health condition that has become more common especially post-covid 19. When fear and worry are persistent and you have trouble focusing, and when you feel like you’re in danger even when there isn’t any danger, it becomes challenging to go to work or school, mingle with friends, or have a regular, fulfilling life.
But how does the experience of anxiety differ between younger (youths) and older people (middle age)?
Teenage phase ( 13-19 years)
This phase is where one undergoes puberty and they start to fear their physical change ,trying to fit into a group of friends and figure out who they are. During this phase ,the teenagers need the right guidance either from parents or teachers.
Teenagers may suffer from anxiety, which they show by withdrawing from others, eating poorly, and engaging in games to avoid facing challenges. They might share some biological symptoms to their close ones. For instance, a teenager might tell his mother that he is feeling raising heart rates, sweaty palm when he had to go out to participate in marathon ordained by his school or female may report experiencing limb weakness and choking anytime she must ascend a flight of stairs to give a speech.
Teenagers who are anxious may skip class or engage in dangerous or unhealthy behavior as a coping mechanism. Early middle age ( 35-44 years) This phase is where adults achieved most of their dreams . Is that right? Perhaps that’s the standard in society. But not everyone will enjoy it. We don’t accomplish anything depending on what others think of us.
Middle Age
We might dream of getting a fancy car by a certain age and that’s entirely fine. So during this phase, those in early middle age compare and compete with their relatives or friends to achieve some of their goals. It can be healthy as long as it doesn’t cause any anxiety symptoms and remains non-disturbing.
Some examples I have encountered: An engineer might complain about problems falling asleep and that he worries constantly about how he will pay his expenses and feed his family. A lab assistant may say that she has increased muscle tension and irritability due to relationship issues. There are many who experience anxiety at this age, trying to cope with consuming beverages containing alcohol or other types of stimulants.
What to Do?
Although not excluding other age groups, these 2 stages may have higher levels of anxiousness. However, this age group is able to comprehend the severity of the anxiety and the need for support in order to help them get over it and improve their quality of life. First, when one experiencing those symptoms
1. Acknowledge the symptoms
2. Try to talk to an expert (counselor, clinical psychologist) or family member who can listen, help, and support
3. Attend therapy sessions to manage the symptoms
4. See a psychiatrist for more severe symptoms
Feeling Disconnected Lately? Here’s to a Quick Word on Loneliness that Might Save YouPhoto by Stefano Pollio on Unsplash
One of the emotions that all of us tend to experience more and more often these days is loneliness. Loneliness is what happens when we lack close, authentic connection with other people: do you have quality relationships in your life?
Otherwise, you might feel quite lonely. And if you had some challenging experiences growing up which affected how you feel about yourself, you stand a chance to feel even more lonely because you feel all alone in your personal struggles too. The irony here is that those of us with a history of abuse and neglect are more likely to isolate ourselves, leading to even more feelings of loneliness!
So how do we escape loneliness? The thing is, we don’t. First, we must admit that we feel lonely, that this is a feeling that is affecting us right now, that makes us also feel perhaps a little sad, ashamed, and hopeless. For some of us, we may even occasionally feel anger in addition to our loneliness because we are exhausted and overwhelmingly threatened by the disconnection that constantly reminds us that it’s just us– deserted on the island of life.
When we admit these feelings that accompany our loneliness, we start to understand that we’re just in need of that real connection, and perhaps not just to others, but to ourselves. In other words, our loneliness might just be a sign that we have long abandoned our true feelings about the things that have happened to us in our lives, or the things that are happening right now.
So maybe, just maybe, loneliness isn’t something we have to escape from, but something to look deeper into so that it can tell us something about what is missing (such is the function of emotions); that we desire to move closer towards…
Additionally, not doing something to reduce any other psychological pain we have can also leave us feeling super lonely- so remember to reach out for appropriate help. Depending on the nature and severity of such pain, this may mean either a friend, a person in your community whom you trust, or a mental health professional who offers psychotherapy and counseling.
Written by :
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia
Why the quality of my life is a direct reflection on the state of my mental health, writes Ethel Da Costa
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
Each morning that I wake up alive, I jump out of bed. My entire being beams with GRATITUDE of this life I have been given, and how I feel the Universe move within my Body and Soul leading me to live my best life each day. My life is a blessing. A rare gift of joyous molecules, feelings, energy and well being.
But I was not always this person despite all of the outer achievements of my life – for which I am deeply grateful and thankful – I was very unhappy inside. Being unhappy had confused me, filled me with more anger, rage even. I had worked so hard my entire life for this level of success: Made many personal sacrifices to be where I wanted to be. Got on top of the food chain in my professional life.
It was in 2018 when I realized that perhaps along the way towards the arduous climb to professional success, I had forgotten my true self, neglecting my deeply hurt inner child and the woman my soul was screaming to be and thereby committed great injustice to myself. Sure, I had pleased the outer world, but at the cost to my inner wellbeing. Indeed, I was a workaholic, a perfectionist, a control dragon with compulsive OCD, a hoarder. Fortunately, I now understand that these are characteristics of unresolved trauma; in other words, the mind’s coping mechanism to deal with post traumatic-stress. Physically, my shoulders were continuously aching, my body tense and tight, deep anxiety and multitasking having been normalized as a normal way of life. 30 years of carrying the world and its responsibilities on my fragile shoulders— when I look back, I feel deep compassion for that deeply hurt girl trying so hard to keep it together.
Here’s the message I want you to have: When there is a lack of Self-Awareness – not the superficial bouts of awareness that come and go– but when you know something isn’t right…and you push yourself harder by being so hard on yourself, something’s gotta give. I’m glad I gave in to what I sensed inside. I am also blessed to have met my Life Coach who saved me from jumping off the edge and onto the hard ground. With her help and compassionate support, I did jump, but only in surrender. It was Fall or Fly. I am deeply grateful that the Universe powered my wings, my freefall being a descent down the cliff followed by flying.
2019 was the most earth-shaking year of my life. The ground under my feet had cracked wide open and was ready to swallow me whole with my pain, grief, years of unresolved hurt, years of unhealed trauma– essentially, suffering. This time, I found myself standing on solid ground, as I had support on my journey of coming home to me. And I’ve been running home to myself ever since.
The truth is many of us are afraid to heed the voice of our Soul. Calling us to let go of control. Calling us to heal, to change, to transform, to shed skin, peel off our layers of conditioning, years of bullshit, the stories we tell ourselves and believe. It is always somebody’s fault for our choices, our mistakes, finding it safe to lay the blame on others and taking zero responsibility on our part. How we feel, how we make ourselves feel, the language we use with ourselves, the ways in which we do not love ourselves, seeking validation from outsiders to add value and meaning to our life… I am still amazed at the reality of how no one teaches us to love ourselves, when it is hard to love ourselves, in which failing at doing so leads us to pour all of ourselves in wrong places and the wrong people. From the bottom of my heart, I wish we were taught to love ourselves as young children, so we can teach our young ones to face heart-break with more ease and confidence.
But there’s a beauty of coming home to yourself, even if it’s a tough journey from the Head to the Heart. I know this because this journey transformed the meaning of life for me. At this point in my life, I am ready to understand, appreciate and fully accept the gifts the Universe had bestowed on me. The gift of breath that keeps us alive. Gifts that I had done good things with, but now in awareness I am empowered to do great things for.
While in lockdown in Malaysia from March 2020 onwards, in a new country, new people, new environment, no support system to fall back on, I relied completely on myself – old survivor skills that never leave you – but this time in absolute surrender that I was going to be taken care of. Something higher than me had brought me to Malaysia (of all the places in the world). The Universe had a mighty mission. The mission was to HEAL. A complete detoxification of the old life into a new spiritual being. Transforming and transmuting 30 years of pain and suffering into 2 years of transformation, bliss, personal and spiritual evolution. The kind I’ve never experienced in my life. The Universe, knowing my immense capacity to cope, adapt and learn, packing it all intensely vibrating Light into my Being. The most intense healing journey that packed 30 years into 2 years of hard, hard inner work that I had to do. My coach standing with me, despite the distance in India, unfailingly supporting my coming to light.
From 2020-2022 I love this Being that is ME, with all of my Heart and Soul, unconditionally. It is said that when you fill your cup full, only can you help and support those you can help and support now. Each day I wake up and go to sleep, my affirmations of gratitude resonate from my Heart to the Universe that walks with me on this journey. For embracing my dark, shadow and parts unhealed to bring it all together into ONE. For compassion and kindness, I receive in abundance from strangers I’ve never known, but it is synchronicity that brings people and acts of kindness together. For learning to let go all and everything that does not serve my highest good, including people who have failed me. One day at a time. Learning to make the best of my life, as best as I can. To the commitment of doing the inner work on ME every single day, with my coach, guides and mentors the Universe sends my way to help me along my journey to self-actualisation, healing, and wellbeing. My commitment to my mental and spiritual health is a continuous process. From waking up in the morning and staying committed to my acts of rituals that support my body, my heart and my peace. For only when I am whole, can I contribute fully to my own growth, and contribute to those I love, and the world at large.
Your quality of life is a direct reflection of the quality of your inner wellbeing, mental peace and self-love. Love yourself unconditionally. One day at a time. I am with you on this journey.
Author:
Ethel Da Costa is an Award-Winning International Lifestyle Journalist, Author, Global Destination Influencer, Key Opinion Leader (KOL), Advocate for Empowerment, Lifestyle Media Entrepreneur, Founder of award-winning Lifestyle Media Content & Communications company, Think Geek Media based in Malaysia and India.
Find her Lifestyle blogs at www.ethedacosta.com
Follow her on Facebook & Instagram @etheldacosta
Email: etheldacosta@gmail.com
Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash
Acquiring essential leadership skills makes a person a great leader. But, what if I tell you that there’s something else that makes you an effective leader? Something often overlooked yet remains crucial in order to be an effective leader .
According to research, each year, 1 in 5 adults acquires a diagnosable mental illness, almost 50% of whom receive no treatment. With difficult economic circumstances and rising living costs , mental health difficulties are affecting people at every socioeconomic and professional level, from minimum wage laborers to leaders alike. Toxic work environments, that include bullying and unrealistic expectations in demanding roles, also create a sense of alienation and isolation as people lend their souls to their jobs.
As a result, it’s easy to turn apathetic, feel emotionally unstable, overwhelmed, demotivated, and drained…and in the worst case, to be abusing drugs, subconsciously acting out in (and thus ruining) important relationships, or even self-harming out of the intense emotional pain of anger, frustration, and self-hatred. All these undoubtedly take a toll on working adults’ mental health and well-being, not to mention their productivity and output as members of society too.
It is time for leaders to start taking ownership of their titles as leaders by taking the lead in resolving mental health related issues at their workplace. This is a skill.
Due to a lack of resources, a majority of leaders do not feel empowered. Few publications and sources specifically highlight a leader’s ability to manage or support mental health-related issues at work. Typically, leaders show up unprepared to handle mental health matters. Truly , leaders need to develop the required understanding and compassion for all things mental health.
Simply put, mental health awareness enhances one’s leadership by transforming them into a human-centered leader, which ultimately encourages leaders to establish true strength when they accept vulnerability and practice wisdom through creating environments in which their staff are free to be creative, psychologically comfortable, and transparent about their mental health.
Leaders have the ability to use their influence to foster a kind of work environment that encourages mental and emotional health. Effective leaders always make an effort to apply relevant knowledge and skills , and this is reflected in their actions. For instance, they may start spending more time with the staff beyond working hours, sharing personal experiences and even setting an example of self-assurance, self-regulation, and self-care— implementing problem-solving and coping strategies first and foremost in their own lives. Such psychological and social interventions at the personal level of the leader creates a fundamental paradigm shift that effectively opens up a sense of possibility and mastery amongst those working with them.
Moreover, by establishing a culture of camaraderie and psychological safety, leaders help boost team members’ levels of productivity by ensuring that they have the necessary sustenance and an emotionally healthy environment. Indeed, studies suggest that workers who openly discuss mental health at work experience lower levels of stress, greater confidence, and inspire increased productivity.
While leaders are not required to identify and treat mental health problems, being fluent, invested in, and committed to mental health enables them to assess related problems within their team. Plus, cultivating a sense of empathy, warm concern, and community is just as essential as keeping accountability for individual tasks. In short, they may promote both compassion and accountability together rather than having to make a choice between the two.
Sivasanker Subramaniam
Diagnostic Lab Manager
MAHSA Health Sdn. Bhd.
Empathy: What it Looks Like and 3 Simple Ways You Can Develop ItPhoto by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash
It’s easy to gulp upon hearing the word ‘empathy’. We might either believe that empathy is impossibly difficult to do or that we’re already perfectionists at it. Though the truth may be completely different altogether.
That’s because empathy is both natural and learned. As babies, we recognized ourselves in those who cared for us, developing a sense of knowing who we are every time we resonated with our parents’ emotional states. Not only did we mirror them— they too tried to make sense of what we felt in our bodies and minds…and if our parents were competent enough at making sense of our emotions and responding to our emotions sufficiently in a way that managed to soothe us and make us feel seen, understood, and accompanied by their warm and safe presence, we will gradually and naturally find ourselves responding to others in such a way too.
What’s for sure is that how we were treated results in a cumulative effect: not having been attended to and validated, we lost a chance at receiving a firsthand back-and-forth experience of giving and receiving– not money, but attention, understanding, and a helpful response– which would have assisted us as adults by making us more attuned and emotionally responsive, inevitably beneficial not just for intimate and professional relationships but also towards the relationship we have with ourselves– imagine letting yourself feel fully and freely without feeling like you’re losing your mind because your core self feels intact… see that’s the power of empathy: when the sum of what we’re feeling and knowing deep inside our bodies is being acknowledged and contained, we are taught to embrace ourselves as a whole, whatever we’re like, and this makes any form of suffering easily distinguishable and welcomed (instead of being personalized, distorted, denied, rejected, or projected onto others). In other words, empathy becomes hard to do if we haven’t been recognized and appreciated as a human being in possession of our own unique cognitive and emotional responses, capable of feeling, hurting, and suffering. If we cannot and do not know how to be emotionally responsive to our own emotions, doing so for others remains out of the question.
For those of us who struggle with empathy a bit more, all started with caregivers who meant well but didn’t have the capacity nor desire to engage with us empathetically, most usually because there hadn’t been any figures who could model such empathetic behavioral responses to them throughout their lives. As a result, they themselves do not see and tolerate the whole of themselves and are always escaping, distorting, and finding an external source of esteem, comfort, and stability, which also makes providing these to others a true challenge. Add on the multiple pressures and responsibilities that adults have to deal with, finding time to review how their capacity for empathy just doesn’t make sense. Nonetheless, for as long as they haven’t come to terms with the lack of empathy they experienced and for as long as they haven’t tried to relearn ways to be relational and ways to manage their emotions and self-esteem, empathy remains elusive. It’s not just about abuse, neglect, criticism, and maltreatment; it’s also about what didn’t happen [1]. So if empathy is a generational thing, it might take more effort for some of us to do it. Here are…
We can build our capacity for empathy by embodying what it is. It’s simply understanding another person’s experience, taking in their thoughts, feelings, perceptions, motives, needs, and desires, literally trying to see and feel things from their point of view [2]. Can you do this when the situation calls for it, such as when someone comes to you in distress? Are you able to receive and contain; soak in and hold? To have others’ minds in mind?
This is not to say that we have to put aside our own feelings and desires. In fact, throughout hearing a person out, it’s great to be aware of how we’re reacting to what’s being shared and expressed so that we can simultaneously soothe ourselves if needed, and then return to the right headspace to be able to show and tell them that we are here, perceiving their emotions, resonating with those emotions, along with the associated perspectives revolving around those emotions felt so deeply (never lose yourself in the act of taking others into your mind). In short, we can train ourselves to have empathy by being in interaction. Whether we realize it or not, we’re already responding to others in a certain way, and our responses may either be more or less empathetic.
While being in interaction, try to pay more attention to what others are saying, how they might be feeling about what they are saying while they’re saying it, and what they might be trying to do to move towards getting their needs met and their issues resolved. Stay curious and imaginative, like a child who’s always wondering. Before you know it, your generous interest in someone’s mind might give them the courage to reach out simply because your empathy normalized their suffering.
While embodying empathy in moments of interaction, we need tools. These tools are skills such as emotional regulation and stress management, practicing them intentionally in our times of crisis and need so that we effectively reduce our distress to a level that permits us to focus on others, in turn getting them too to utilize these tools, oops, we mean, skills.
Regulating emotions takes a lot of motivation and effort, especially for those with a history of complex trauma, in which co-regulation– key to being able to self-regulate– rarely or never took place. Co-regulation is a process “through which children develop the ability to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations from the beginning of life through connection with nurturing and reliable primary caregivers” [3]. Put simply, if you hadn’t been informally educated by your parents on how to make sense of your feelings and sensations that arise together with your thoughts, you’d have to formally teach yourself how to do that as an adult, in which case, we’re here to help. Discover how to regulate your emotions here.
Finally, another effective way to have empathy is to remind ourselves that we all need each other. No one is immune to harrowing life situations and displeasing circumstances that generate unpleasant emotions, and when we’re going through the motions in our moments of pain, restlessness, and heartbreak, the calming, understanding, and warm presence of another person creates emotional safety [4], restoring our aliveness and courage to hold on to our true feelings and what those feelings capture; our true selves. The point is that since we need each other (even at a biological level) [5], it makes sense for each of us to develop empathy because empathy makes us feel more connected, and that’s what’s healing [6].
Clearly, empathy is pivotal to human relationships. When there’s empathy, we understand others better, making it easier to get along with others. At the same time, we’ll also feel understood. Therefore, empathy really is a win-win situation in which everybody’s got each others’ backs. And there’s no finer way to live than to live knowing ‘you’ve got this’ because someone gets you. The only thing left to do next is to figure out how to actively tackle what ails you (whether that’s being achieved through discussing with friends or with a psychotherapist).
But first, before transforming any pain into an active solution, you must have been received and contained in the context of empathy.
References
[1] https://drjonicewebb.com/what-didnt-happen/
[2] https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/how-to-be-more-empathetic
[3] https://www.complextrauma.org/glossary/co-regulation/
[4] https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-do-you-create-emotional-safety-in-your-relationships#benefits
[5] https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/empathy-narcissism
[6] https://nurturescienceprogram.org/relational-health-through-the-lens-of-emotional-connection/
How Important is Body Image to Our Sense of Well-Being? 10 Things to Do to Secure a Healthy Body ImagePhoto by Vladimir Fedotov on Unsplash
When it comes to the health of our minds (aka mental health), most of us don’t stop to consider the link between how we evaluate and feel about our physical appearance (body image) and how we feel about ourselves (self-esteem) and our lives (life satisfaction). Most of us see body image as something that only plagues women and that it is something that stands in isolation from other mental health struggles, causing us to treat it without much seriousness. After all, women are also so used to appraising their bodies negatively that it has almost become the norm for women to hate how they look, and want to be thinner, that we even expect women to speak negatively about how they look, or worse, about how other women look (which trangresses into bullying by the way).
And it’s not like all therapists are comfortable talking about body image either. So much shame is associated with our physical appearance that even therapists may not know how to respond to body image struggles, perhaps resorting to avoidance of the topic or impulsively consoling their clients prematurely in order to get over talking about body image, using statements such as ‘looks don’t matter’, ‘it’s okay you’re beautiful in your own way’, ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’, or ‘no one is ugly’.
The truth is, though, that solving body image problems isn’t as easy as distracting ourselves from our painful shame or forcing ourselves to believe in what’s already so hard to believe. There are reasons as to why we arrived at having a poor body image in the first place.
Believe it or not, how we think and feel about our appearances isn’t just influenced by us but by a plethora of factors that are biological, psychological, and social in nature. For example, the absence or presence of disease (how physically healthy we are) affects body image, and so does what we choose to eat every day, and exercising can make for better ways of perceiving our bodies because it encourages us to focus on function over form. Other biological factors include temperament, neuroticism, and mood regulation abilities. Besides that, being prone to mental health struggles such as depression and low self-esteem also predispose us to having a poor relationship with our appearance, and so do psychological traits such as perfectionism, and the tendency to objectify ourselves and to compare ourselves to ideals. Lastly, those around us such as our peers, direct and extended family, teachers, other members of our community, and the media (including social media) may create a certain kind of climate that’s conducive for us to develop a poor body image, silently hurting us with their emphasis on meeting an ideal and the ideal image of beauty being so narrowly defined. As an example, your friends and family members may be the type to make degrading comments about your appearance based on their biased attitudes and perverse values, even if subtle. Or, perhaps no one had enough empathy and knowledge to respond to your body image-related pain with some comfort and wise words.
What this means is that if you don’t feel good about how you look and these feelings cause you so much distress and take away your ability to focus and enjoy everyday activities, you might want to stop being so hard on yourself because you aren’t the sole cause of your distress. However, it is within your power and responsibility to learn and practice helpful strategies to ease the difficult thoughts and shameful feelings about your appearance that continue to haunt you in your daily life (in the form of anxiety and even depression and eating disorders) [2]. In fact, you should also know that those with body dissatisfaction are at risk for not just disordered eating and depression, but reduced physical activity and less satisfying relationships [3, 4]. All in all, long-term body image disturbance destroys well-being.
First, let’s confirm what we mean by a healthy body image. When you have a good body image, it means your evaluation (includes perception, thoughts, feelings, behavioral responses) of your physical appearance doesn’t cause you distress (in the form of anxiety, depression) and affect your ability to live a relatively peaceful day to day life— meaning you may still occasionally feel sad, disgusted, or anxious about how you look but it’s not so intense and it doesn’t last long because you manage to help yourself out of it appropriately using coping strategies— that’s how we can tell whether you have a body image that’s okay and one that’s not.
In contrast, here are the common signs of a poor body image [5]:
Last but not least, if you think you might need help with your body image, here are 10 things to do to secure a healthy body image. Use these coping strategies daily to your benefit.
When your body dissatisfaction causes you overwhelming emotional pain to the point where you find it hard to focus on what you want to accomplish every day, it may be time to take a step back and evaluate the relationship you have to your body. A poor body image will slowly break you, disconnecting you from fulfillment, pleasure, and possibilities that await you, leaving you feeling ashamed, afraid, frustrated, resentful, and even hopeless [11], and can even put you at risk for suicide [12]. It’s not surprising then that 80% of those with Body Dysmorphic Disorder experience suicidal ideation throughout their lives [13], a percentage that’s much higher than for depression (in contrast, a study found that 48% of those with depression are at risk for suicidal ideation) [14].
It is therefore essential for us to find ways to work on improving our body image, and when we do that, we’ll also be reducing our risk factors for other kinds of mental health problems. Starting with the list of ‘10 things to secure a healthy body image’ shared above can help.
*Reminder: Like many other forms of psychopathology (a big word used to refer to features of mental health disorders), in poor body image, ‘bio-psycho-social’ factors influence our final perception of our appearance, which means what we see isn’t always the truth— and in the most severe forms of poor body image such as in the case of body dysmorphic disorder [15 ], the mirror really can lie. Consult a professional for some assistance.
Resources
[1] Sussex Publishers. (n.d.). Body image. Psychology Today. Retrieved September 5, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/body-image
[2] Mazurkiewicz, N., Krefta, J., & Lipowska, M. (2021). Attitudes towards appearance and body-related stigma among young women with obesity and psoriasis. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.788439
[3] Heron N, Kee F, Cupples M, Tully M (2015). Correlates of Sport Participation in Adults With Long-Standing Illness or Disability. BMJ Open Sport Exerc Med. 1(1):e000003. doi: 10.1136/bmjsem-2015-000003.
[4] Retznik, L., Wienholz, S., Seidel, A. et al. Relationship Status: Single? Young Adults with Visual, Hearing, or Physical Disability and Their Experiences with Partnership and Sexuality. Sex Disabil 35, 415–432 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11195-017- 9497-5
[5] Cash, T. (2012). Encyclopedia of body image and human appearance. Elsevier.
[6] Wade, T. D., & Tiggemann, M. (2013). The role of perfectionism in body dissatisfaction. Journal of Eating Disorders, 1(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/2050-2974-1-2
[7] Nauman, Emily. Can mindfulness foster a healthy body image? Greater Good. Retrieved September 5, 2022, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_mindfulness_foster_a_healthy_body_image
[8] Engeln, R. (2018). Beauty Sick: How the cultural obsession with appearance hurts girls and women. Harper.
[9]Wolf, N. (2002). The beauty myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women. Vintage Books.
[10] Kite, L., & Kite, L. (2021). More than a body: Your body is an instrument, not an ornament. Mariner Books.
[11] Brown Brené. (2022). The gifts of imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.
[12] Brausch, A. M., & Muehlenkamp, J. J. (2007). Body image and suicidal ideation in adolescents. Body Image, 4(2), 207–212. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2007.02.001
[13] Phillips K. A. (2007). Suicidality in Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Primary psychiatry, 14(12), 58–66.
[14] Brådvik L. (2018). Suicide Risk and Mental Disorders. International journal of environmental research and public health, 15(9), 2028. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph15092028
[15] Grant, J. E., & Phillips, K. A. (2005). Recognizing and treating body dysmorphic disorder. Annals of Clinical Psychiatry, 17(4), 205–210. https://doi.org/10.1080/10401230500295313
Written by :
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia
Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash
The Peppa Pig series once received a lot of backlash, blaming Peppa for apparently teaching her viewers naughty behavior.
To be fair, she does call her father silly and the whole family does tease and laugh at daddy pig’s overweight body. And then there’s the fact that Peppa’s parents practice what one might label as laissez-faire parenting, a parenting style characterized by its permissiveness, whereby “parents avoid providing guidance and discipline, make no demands for maturity, and impose few controls on their child’s behavior”. Indeed, Peppa and her brother George are allowed to jump in muddy puddles as much as they want to and to express themselves however they wish— it’s therefore very true that Peppa is always very much herself (“blah, blah, blah, that’s how daddies talk”), with her habit of making borderline rude remarks and bossing others around here and there throughout the show.
But as someone who has watched many episodes of Peppa pig, there are gorgeous things about Peppa’s family worth appreciating and modeling after, which those judgmental of the show do not see. For one, Peppa is a very confident little pig! She thrives and looks forward to every day…
Without further ado, here are 9 rare magnificent things about Peppa and her family, or more specifically, things that Peppa has, which make her who she is and make up parenting lessons worthy of our attention.
…to a quality life. It’s not just Peppa but the entire family that enjoys the everyday. Like people of Danish culture [1], they know how to cherish what life has to offer: which is not just work but also finding pleasure in interacting with others, in doing all sorts of novel activities together, and in the mundane (jumping in puddles, making food, going on car rides, going on picnics, befriending animals, learning). In fact, embracing your daily life as being composed of many aspects that involve not just working and learning but playing and social interaction helps make work enjoyable too, because after all, one would not be able to withstand playing and relaxing all the time, either, and thus a balance is created.
If you ask me, Peppa’s parents Mommy and Daddy pig might just be the cartoon world’s most present parents ever. They mirror their children’s moment-to-moment state of being and internal experience and actually respond, very generously, to Peppa and George’s frustrations and joys, ups and downs.
“But Mommy and Daddy pig treat Peppa like a queen!”, you may argue.
Here’s a simple answer to that: the show is about Peppa, which explains why some may perceive her as being spoiled, when really, she just happens to be the main character. That’s also why Peppa’s parents are simply mommy and daddy to the audience; they exist in connection to Peppa.
Truly, the show is all about how a pig toddler experiences her daily life, and along the way, her parents are there to support her, which they do a good job at! They reflect Peppa’s emotions, paraphrase, and ask a lot more than they instruct, lecture, make a negative judgment or scold, just as mental health workers have been trained to do [2].
As a result, Peppa learns to ask as many questions as she likes and develops a positive sense of self and a strong sense of being able to make things happen (“environmental mastery”), internalizing and modeling after her kind and forgiving parents.
Her parents actually join in her plethora of activities, and boy— isn’t she always doing something as a growing toddler, whether it’s tea-time with Peppa’s favorite spider, muddy-puddle-jumping, searching for their misplaced toys, or having a go at Daddy Pig’s video camera, and so much more.
The point is that Mommy and Daddy pig do not hesitate to spend time with their children, oftentimes letting them take the lead too. Indeed, nurturing close bonds with one’s children by being mentally and emotionally present when with them has been shown to lead to better well-being in children, including physical well-being [3].
Mommy and Daddy pig love their children. They don’t judge their children’s behaviors. They understand that mistakes are a normal part of life. They tolerate cheekiness and they tolerate Peppa’s need to feel unique and special, so they avoid ridiculing and instead show support whenever Peppa feels proud of something (“ I taught him (her baby cousin) to say it (his first-word puddle)!” Her parents smile on). Unlike a lot of parents, they show love and affection even though Peppa does not really achieve anything that would make your jaw drop. Without a doubt, Peppa’s parents are open to what Peppa has to offer and in turn, also offer Peppa something she might need.
They accept Peppa’s desire for autonomy in doing everyday things, perhaps because they are aware of the research finding that autonomy, or a sense of independence, is highly correlated with psychological well-being. In fact, along with autonomy, environmental mastery, personal growth, positive relations with others, purpose in life, and self-acceptance are well-known as the six dimensions of psychological well-being.
Parents don’t have to be perfect. In fact, that’s exactly what Donald Winnicott meant when he coined the term ‘good enough parent’, referring to the idea that parents simply have to show up as their imperfect selves, so that their children learn that life does not center around them nor must people conform to all of their needs all the time. That way, children develop a sense of healthy disappointment early on, which will buffer them being defeated by their frustrations as a result of their unrealistic expectations [4].
However, being a good enough parent also entails showing up even when doing so feels threatening to oneself— perhaps because the behaviors exhibited by one’s child resembles what one has tried to suppress in oneself as a child, for example. Indeed, it sounds simple but being good enough also means being able to tell when one has been mentally disturbed, making sense of why it affects oneself to such an extent and in such a way, and proceeding to console oneself enough so that responding to one’s child becomes a less unconscious and reactive phenomenon. By doing so, parents become more conscious of how they impact their children, allowing co-regulation to take place in the form of honest conversations, which indirectly leads to in-the-moment problem-solving [5].
How does this relate to Peppa’s parents? They don’t disengage from their children when uncomfortable topics arise. As an example, everyone in their household agrees that Peppa’s father has a weight issue that can be quite debilitating for him at times, which is why Peppa and her mother encourage him to exercise. In this case, Peppa’s father is able to take their advice instead of personalizing it for a long period of time.
Besides dealing with personal disappointments, Peppa’s parents try to help their children with their own disappointments, whether it’s by normalizing laughter or by accepting accidents and guiding them in resolving everyday problems: When Peppa’s brother George’s dinosaur ice lolly melts, Peppa’s mother doesn’t scold, nor does she say things such as “I told you to eat it quickly, now see what has happened! Next time be more careful”; instead, she says:
“Nevermind George, you can share daddy’s ice cream. I’m sure he won’t mind”. In another similar scene, Peppa accidentally splashes mud onto the car they had just finished cleaning. How does daddy pig react? “Nevermind, we can use the garden hose to clean it off”.
The point is that responding in kinder and more helpful ways in difficult and unpleasant situations is only possible when parents are in their best shape emotionally…
Since Peppa’s parents try to be present in engaging with their children, it indirectly makes it harder for their minds to dwell in the future. As a result, it becomes easier for them to give Peppa and her brother the opportunity to be themselves and to make mistakes, since they aren’t too focused on how today will impact tomorrow, so to speak.
In addition, when parents make conscious effort in regulating their own anxiety, it reduces the likelihood that parents will engage in behaviors such as threatening, warning, shaming, guilt-tripping, raging or restricting (such as in helicopter parenting) their children, permitting not just growth but also exploration and a sense of fun and autonomy to take place [6]. Research has shown, for instance, that parents who are more socially anxious are likely to come in the way of their children’s opportunities for socializing with peers [7]. The hard truth is that children do internalize the types of anxieties their parents have, and this is turn limits them from showing up as their most authentic self and from doing what they want to do. Estranged from themselves, these kinds of children usually grow up trying very hard to make their parents proud, but at a cost to their own sense of fulfillment and esteem.
Instead of lecturing and instructing them one-sidedly, mommy and daddy pig (what Peppa’s parents are called in the show) include Peppa and her brother George in house chores and other activities such as car-washing, cooking, and grocery shopping. What’s more, when they want Peppa to do something (all of which are for the benefit of their own children), they cleverly entice Peppa and George into doing what they want them to do instead of guilt-tripping, shaming, or threatening angrily. As an example, take the following scene, where Peppa is taking too long in the toilet having fun brushing her teeth which is causing her to go to bed later: her mother doesn’t label her as being stubborn or silly, and instead simply ‘redirects’ her to do what she expects of Peppa:
Peppa: I think our teeth need a bit more cleaning. (she and George are reluctant to go to bed as they are enjoying brushing their teeth)
Mommy Pig: When you’re in bed, Daddy pig will read you a story.
Redirecting just means channeling everyone’s focus to something affirmative, such as what you do want to have happen (something you do want them to do), instead of making comments about what they’re doing that’s upsetting you [8]. Redirecting remains a useful tool for parents in disciplining their children with less fuss.
Furthermore, Peppa’s parents observe the entire context of the situation and their children’s intentions in each situation before interfering with unempathetic instructions, which allows them to tailor their support according to Peppa and George’s unique personalities, age, and to whatever unique challenging situation they find themselves to be in. In a way, it’s akin to something psychologists call scaffolding, whereby adults provide step-by-step guidance and support towards helping children learn or do something, more specifically by providing encouraging questions and helpful demonstrations and prompts, the idea being that it’s important to build confidence and independence in learning to do anything, and that all children have their own ways of learning and doing things that should be respected (versus forcing children to go at the parent or teacher’s pace) [9].
Hence, ‘lead with grace’ here just signifies how dealing with children can be more effective when one’s response is tailored to an enhanced understanding (versus labeling and judgment) of children due to the acknowledgement that children do have their own minds and a spirit of inclusivity.
Being the opposite of omnipotence that they are, Peppa’s parents appreciate other helpful influences on their children. They believe Peppa and George should learn from other people, including other adults in their lives, as testified by their active involvement in school activities and their frequent visits to their grandparents’ place. As a result, Peppa and George develop positive interactions with all sorts of people within their community which gives them a kind of wisdom and mindset that’s necessary to develop into productive members of society. In fact, there’s research that found that children at risk for mental health problems can be helped to be more resilient by forming trusting bonds with multiple adults, in which the involvement of other adults also alleviates parenting stress and reduces overall maltreatment a child receives [10].
Peppa pig is definitely a show that’s equally as praiseworthy (for the way it portrays how children should be treated) as it is entertaining: The effects of such good treatment of children has a multiplier effect, whereby a peaceful community that thrives on a sense of togetherness is created.
And when an environment is created in which everyone is encouraged to be their kind, thoughtful, and relational selves, it’s not only parenting that becomes more bearable, but other life duties too, and then eventually, doing life itself feels easier.
Let’s hope these 9 rare parenting lessons from this children’s hit show continue to inspire children and parents alike. Without a doubt, Peppa pig has something to offer everyone, especially to those with families. And that’s all of us.
Resources:
[1] https://nectarnews.org/2015/12/happiness-in-the-simple-and-the-mundane/
[2] https://positivepsychology.com/counseling-skills/
[3] https://extension.sdstate.edu/why-spending-quality-time-your-children-important
[4] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201106/parenting-disappointment-is-good
[5] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7556995/
[6] https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.872981/full
[7] https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.614318/full
[8] https://www.verywellfamily.com/redirection-child-discipline-2764979
[9] https://www.verywellfamily.com/education-scaffolding-preschoolers-2764951
[10] https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpubh.2022.756066/full
Written by :
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia
5 Painful Ways Westernization Affects Our Wellness and How to Protect Ourselves
Photo by Andreas Kruck on Unsplash
While the west has improved our lives in a number of ways, such as by giving us better cars, world-class education, and more options everywhere we shop, certain values and products of developed and industrialized nations serve to bring us further from ourselves and our true needs, potentially affecting our psychological well-being and quality of life in the long run.
That’s because advances in technology and economic growth do not directly and positively shape how people in developed countries live their lives. If anything, modernization might just depend on people living in a certain way in order to encourage its existence. For example, as beauty standards grow harsher, so does the demand for plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures. Indeed, plastic surgery techniques gradually advance as a result of what we value (i.e. strict standards of beauty), making them safer and more effective, and simultaneously, its advancement and ubiquitousness also begins to shape our wants and our views of what it means to be successful and confident. It is not surprising then to find that more and more women are desiring cosmetic procedures, which may not always be a good product of westernization because studies show that the lower your self-esteem is, the more likely you are to opt for cosmetic procedures, meaning here that some women may see plastic and cosmetic surgery as a solution to their unhappiness [1]. Thus, we could say here that plastic surgery, one of the products of westernization, encourages a lack of emotional wellness, as self-esteem is a component of emotional wellness [2].
The above is just one example of how society is shaped by all of us and how we in turn are influenced by the society we create. It’s not that we shouldn’t welcome new developments that can enhance our bodies and minds (e.g. the plethora of educational online courses): the problem only starts when we let the values that support these developments take us away from what we truly need and what is good for us, such as self-acceptance, a sense of love and belonging, a sense of achievement, continuous personal growth, the freedom to make choices that help us move towards our full potential. In other words, westernization and development isn’t necessarily good or bad but it may serve us well to look at the ways in which westernization can influence us negatively, especially when it comes to our overall wellness.
According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is defined as “an active process through which people become aware of and make choices toward a more successful existence…thereby achieving their full potential” [2]. One can split wellness into six dimensions: occupational (the enrichment of life through work, and its interconnectedness to living and playing), social (how a person contributes to their environment and community ,and how to build better living spaces and social networks), physical (the benefits of regular physical activity, healthy eating habits, strength and vitality as well as personal responsibility, self-care and when to seek medical attention), emotional (self-esteem, self-control, and determination as a sense of direction), spiritual (the development of belief systems, values, and creating a world-view), and intellectual (creative and stimulating mental activities, and sharing your gifts with others).
The ultimate question is, as we continue to enjoy the fruits of modernism and westernization such as better houses, schools, entertainment options, and services that ease our day-to-day, how can we ensure that all of the dimensions of wellness remain intact inside us?
The rest of this article will describe the not-so-good effects of westernization on our wellness, and will indirectly suggest ways we can protect our wellness in an increasingly westernized world.
In industrialized nations like ours, there exists a mindset of chasing never-ending goals, always working towards material abundance. While there isn’t anything immoral about pursuing financial success, it might be wise to remember how the standards and expectations we set for ourselves might affect us in the long run.
For instance, as we strive and compete towards bettering our job performance, we may ignore our need for relaxation, creativity (think of your hobbies and other pleasurable and stimulating activities), and positive, meaningful social interactions.
Indeed, as time goes by, we might start to embrace work as our main identity, neglecting other aspects of our wellness aside from occupational wellness, which will inevitably lead to poor occupational wellness too— or a burnout.
What can we do to counter the never ending goalposts we set for ourselves? For one, being honest with ourselves about our relationship to our work helps us set the right kind of intention at work: what makes us push ourselves so hard? What do we hope to achieve at work every day; how about in 5 years? It is imperative that we remind ourselves of the negative impacts of ignoring rest, exercise, and socializing with others throughout our journey of building wealth and improving our social status, and that we set reasonable and balanced expectations for ourselves at work.
Besides how never ending goalposts can affect our wellness, research shows that prioritizing money over time can chip away at our happiness levels. Although a certain amount of money is necessary to guarantee emotional well-being [3], there is a cut-off point for salaries above which happiness does not have to do with money, rather our mindset when it comes to how we deal with money [4]. For instance, spending money on other people and on experiences makes us happier. And let’s be realistic: when we’re always occupied and tired with work, how could we ever make time to spend money on others or to engage in purchased experiences with them?
One reason we try to keep ourselves productive is because we buy into what western influences want us to believe: that we are not enough as people, that we do not have enough, that we should not be satisfied, and that we have to always be doing something in the hopes of being satisfied. Although believing in the above gives us a sense of accomplishment and productivity, it also strips away from us the ability to accept and enjoy who we are and what we have (thereby making gratitude—which comes with benefits— impossible).
This is not to say that we shouldn’t try hard at life, rather that it’s crucial that we get in touch with our true purpose so that we don’t let ourselves be consumed by the false notion that we have nothing if we do not engage in some kind of performance or role. Certainly, for example, what’s helpful to the economy of capitalist societies is not necessarily so to human beings, who as a result of individualistic systems have become isolated and disconnected, not to mention stressed and dissatisfied with themselves and their lives [6]. Indeed, it is ironic that working extra hard can lead to even more dissatisfaction and does not improve self-esteem in the long run [7]. That’s because avoiding feelings of inadequacy does not resolve the true wound: the toxic shame we learned to feel when we learned to be perfectionists. And no amount of doing and achievement will satisfy this perfectionism wound: we simply have to affirm that we are enough as we are, that we are not defective [8].
Of course another reason we may continuously push ourselves is that capitalist societies themselves are competitive, always pushing us to overwork ourselves for the sake of those in charge of the economy. In essence, it’s as if we’re asking for a lot not for ourselves but for the unrealistic expectations we have for ourselves, which is shaped by what society expects of us too.
Yet another western idea is that of quick fixes. We’re taught to instinctively turn to fast solutions as if they were the best ones. Our immediate turn to drugs instead of psychotherapy [9] is an example of this, and so is our affinity for fast food and how many of us view relationships these days (‘just break up when things get difficult’).
Is it because we’d like to make our lives more convenient? Are we running out of time? Didn’t we use to sit down and figure out more holistic answers to the problems we face? To embrace the full extent of the nature of problems is surely not a comfortable thing to do, but by avoiding the roots of problems, we’re not really improving the problem, only running further away.
We might tell ourselves that we’re okay, but in the end, when life tests us with challenges (existential anxiety itself can be a challenge), we’re forced to look into ourselves to discover what we really struggled with and needed to make peace with, understand, hear, and receive. Otherwise, our denial, avoidance, and suppression results in us not only being detached from our feelings, but from others [10]. That is, detaching ourselves from uncomfortable feelings may give us temporary relief, but in the long run, it makes us more helpless, empty, anxious and lonely [11]. Instead of emotional numbing (a quick fix), practice coping strategies such as practicing cognitive-behavioral and mindfulness techniques, which aid in emotional regulation.
In modern societies like ours, individualism tends to take center stage. Without needing anyone to explicitly say it, the truth is that more and more of us are thinking for ourselves and are prioritizing our own dreams and careers over any kind of relationship, many citing that they feel more rewarded and safer in the relationship they have with their job, for instance [12]. Perhaps more of us today appreciate our personal space and desires, which isn’t unhealthy in itself.
However, some of us might benefit from asking ourselves if we’re chasing personal goals extra hard in order to run away from the kind of hard work building meaningful relationships demands [13]. No matter how much we try to downplay the importance of forming deep connections with others, the truth is that embracing community is good for our mental health: a longitudinal Harvard study showed that people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 — precisely because they tend to their relationships!— were the healthiest ones (both physically and mentally) at age 80, concluding that close ties with others is what helps us live happier and longer lives [14]. In addition, their study showed that relationship satisfaction is a better predictor of healthy aging compared to even cholesterol levels.
So no matter how passionate we become about our work, it would be wise to balance it with our need for empathy and secure attachment that come with healthy relationships.
Work overwhelms us, our perfectionistic tendencies want us to keep busy, quick fixes abound, and individualism pulls us away from other people and ourselves— but there’s something else that makes us invest our time and mental space in it: social media. We’re drawn to being constantly engaged with our phones and the apps in them more than ever, as they ease our lives with services like food delivery, car rides, e-mail, social media, navigation (could we live without Waze?), online shopping, dating apps, the news, and more. Naturally, this means we spend more time on our phones than we do in the real world, too distracted to be able to enjoy and respond to the presence of others when we should be doing so — which can affect important relationships such as the ones we have with our family [15]. On a slightly different note, a study found that those given access to their phones fared poorer at cognitive tasks, which is worrying as phone usage seems to weaken our ability to think critically and comprehend texts, especially when we’re doing the latter on the phone.
That’s not to say that we should throw away all the goodness that comes from the age of information. After all, it’s a blessing and a miracle that so much can be accomplished with our phones. The only imperative is that we use our phones more mindfully, so that every second we’re engaging with what’s in our screens is one that’s purposeful, not one that’s sidetracking and taking advantage of us (what social media advertisements and paid-ads are up to). If we let our phones get the best of us, we might open ourselves up to loneliness, anxiety, and depression, considering other risk factors too [16]. To get started on a digital detox, read this article for useful insights.
The effects of westernization on our sense of wellness is worth looking at as society goes on to progress. That’s because not taking the time to maintain our dimensions of our wellness is disastrous in the long-term, both to individuals and larger systems. Perhaps that’s the reason more and more schools and businesses are choosing to invest in their employees’ well-being by enlisting the help of counselors and psychologists [17]. When push comes to shove, mentally healthy people make for more engaged, competent, and productive students and workers.
Resources
[1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3513261/
[2] https://nationalwellness.org/resources/six-dimensions-of-wellness/
[3] https://www.verywellmind.com/happiness-doesn-t-top-out-at-usd75-000-study-says-5097098
[4] https://hbr.org/2020/09/does-more-money-really-makes-us-more-happy
[6] https://isreview.org/issue/74/capitalism-and-alienation/index.html
[7] https://hillele.org/2019/03/26/breaking-the-cycle-of-chronic-dissatisfaction/
[8] Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child, John Bradshaw
[9] https://www.ny-psychotherapy.com/not-a-quick-fix/
[10] https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-numbing-symptoms-2797372
[11] https://psychcentral.com/blog/childhood-neglect/2019/12/7-signs-you-are-emotionally-numb#1
[13] https://www.theschooloflife.com/article/why-work-is-so-much-easier-than-love/
[16] https://www.wellbeing.com.au/kinship/relationships/lost-connections.html
[17] https://hrexecutive.com/are-employers-spending-more-now-on-employee-wellbeing/
Written by :
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia
Human Interactions Benefit Our Health: But What If We Struggle to Connect with Others Due to Low Self-Esteem? + Helpful Tips
Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash
Healthy interactions impact both our physical and mental health positively. However, some people struggle to sustain connections with others due to an unstable sense of self, their negative evaluation and judgment of themselves coming in the way of their ability to nurture deep and warm interactions.
Research has shown that having good friends improves both physical and mental health [1], whether or not you’re going through tough times. We all have a need for belonging and connection, support and mutual understanding, to know that we are valued and to feel like we are worth interacting with and being responded to. In her book Treating People Well with fellow social secretary Jeremy Bernard, Lea Berman, social secretary to President Bush, writes that “in the same way that each unpleasant exchange we have in the course of a day dampens our mood, every affirming interaction builds up and reinforces a positive sense of self” [2]. Furthermore, physiologically-speaking, the presence of an empathetic person who is able to sense and respond to our internal experience and emotions as we express them (a process called “attunement”) actually eases our nervous system, helping intense emotions feel less intense [3]. On a similar note, healthy friendships and social support systems are known to make a person more resilient in the face of anxiety and depression, as we tend to have a better outlook of our challenges when we feel loved and supported [4]. There is no denying that the quality of our interactions with others affects how at ease we feel every day.
Even the key to a long and fulfilling life is meaningful social connection: in other words, satisfying relationships. This is because positive interactions with others give us better perspectives of life, which in turn protects our emotional well-being [5]. Dr. William Glasser, the founder of choice theory and reality therapy, believes that all long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems [6], and that what most human beings want are better relationships.
As outlined above, connections are necessary for well-being. That being said, the act of building and sustaining them can difficult for those who:
To put it simply, those who developed a low self-esteem from going through years of adverse childhood and adolescent experiences will suffer from the effects of low self-esteem, including feelings of anxiety, insecurity, hopelessness, and a lack of trust towards themselves and other people [7]. As a result, the way they think about themselves is limited and they judge themselves and what they do harshly, downplaying any positive qualities they have or the good things they have done. They also can’t help comparing themselves to others, and are more prone to feeling like they need to do things perfectly or like they shouldn’t do anything at all (they become discouraged).
That’s why in social interactions, those with low self-esteem are more likely to make a critical judgment of what they’re like and how they did in conversations, leading to even more feelings of anxiety during interactions, which can make interacting with others feel unrewarding, this in turn becoming yet another opportunity for them to criticize themselves. As the vicious cycle of low self-esteem and social anxiety repeats, they might distance themselves more often from going out to meet other people.
The point is that social interactions can feel pointless if this vicious cycle of low self-esteem, social anxiety, and withdrawal isn’t broken. Because then, instead of enthusiastically initiating outings and taking an interest in the opinions, preferences, and lives of others, those with low self-esteem will unconsciously and strongly hold on to the belief that they are different from others in a way where they’ll never be worthy of connection, lacking faith in the possibility of self and other within the context of a stable, dependable, nourishing, and warm relationship that feels safe.
If we’re forced to go about life without much self-esteem, we will unconsciously anticipate threats such as shaming, criticism, and rejection because they are familiar. We might also assume the worst in others: that they might be out to get us or that they like having us around just so they can feel great about themselves. In addition, we may constantly question why they choose to interact with us and impulsively push them away out of insecurity and resentment, our genuine suspicion & our determined anger that is in truth directed towards people from the past who left us feeling alone, unwanted, and worthless.
Luckily, now we’re aware of the benefits of positive interactions and understand how self-esteem struggles hold us back from enjoying the company of others. Let’s use this to overcome any struggles we may have in connecting with others. Take a leap of faith and put in effort towards meeting and interacting with people (using the tips mentioned above), and before you know it you’ll be pleasantly surprised at your increased well-being from being able to be at ease around people. On a different but relevant note, never once doubt your lovability just because you struggle to practice self-love.
Resources:
[1] https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860
[2] Berman, L., & Bernard, J. (2018). Treating people well: The extraordinary power of civility at work and in life. Scribner
[3] https://counselling-vancouver.com/attunement/
[4] https://www.anxiety.org/friendship-can-improve-mental-health
[6] https://wglasser.com/quickstart-guide-to-choice-theory
[7] https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem
Written by :
Lifelong Learner and Mental Health Counselor
Alumni of Boston University, USA, and University of Malaya, Malaysia